there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
