Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
