or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
