She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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