I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
