I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
no you cant smoke seaweed
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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