I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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