life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
