Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
