some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You are a genius and a whore.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
