I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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