Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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