I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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