dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
