he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
