what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
