we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
