i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
