So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
