This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
