if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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