I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Life is so much better after having sex.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
