A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
