I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
