Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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