The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
