I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
