I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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