Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
