im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
