is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
