I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
