i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
