I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
