I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
