So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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