you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
