Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
