is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
