And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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