dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
try to milk me bitch
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
