I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
