Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
