dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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