I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
