he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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