the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
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