im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
