Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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