there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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