Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
