We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
