I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You pole danced in your parka.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
last night I used snow as a chaser
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
